...and while I was translating those, he went and posted this. That's it for tonight though I think.

[toothycat]

Original here.

"Inconceivable!", the Dark Overlord exclaimed. "Simply unbelievable. Has it finally happened?"
"Yes, my lord." The secretary bowed low. "You are victorious."
"But it can't be! I mean... up until now, I've always lost."
"See for yourself." The secretary stretched his arm to point at the prisoners.
The Dark Overlord, tilting his head, examined his captives once more.
"Yes. They are, indeed, all here. It really is my victory, without a doubt. I just can't quite believe it!"
The prisoners stared at him darkly above their gags.
"I need to think up something to do with them now", said the Dark Overlord thoughtfully. "I've dreamt of this moment for so long, thought up so many things, that now I am frankly lost. What execution should I choose for them?"
"Let's squash them in the trash compactor", the secretary suggested.
"No; I've already thought about that. They're certain to work out how to turn it off."
"Then perhaps we should drown them? In a sack, like kittens?"
"I've fantasized about that, too. No, unfortunately, they are quite likely to find a way to climb out of the sack."
"Hang them?"
"The rope will snap and they will escape."
"And if we tie them?"
"It's all the same; they will find a way to untie themselves. I tell you, I've thought through all the possibilities."
"Then, sir, why not knife them right now? A quick cut across the neck, and that's the end of that!"
"Have you gone mad?", the Dark Overlord exclaimed angrily. "I, a genius of evil plans and schemes of treachery, I, a bloodthirsty destroyer, torturer and tomentor, lower myself to simply cutting someone's throat? Without even gloating properly? Who do you take me for?"
"Forgive me, sir!..."
"This one, I think, we can feed to the pirahnas", the Dark Overlord pointed at the Half-Elf. "And that bearded dwarf next to him can be burnt at the stake... or perhaps the other way around? What do pirahnas like more: gnomeflesh or halfelf-flesh? Or perhaps halflingwurst?"
"Sir, I am impressed!", the secretary cried out. "Pronouncing such a difficult word!"
"Ah, trifles." The Dark Overlord waved the secretary silent. "Anyway, there's something to think about here. I have the time now, I can select the proper punishment for each one at my leisure. One to the pirahnas, another to the alligators. And as for this one..." He walked up to the Princess and examined her thoughtfully, from her dishevelled hair to her fear-clenched toes.
"This one I will deal with personally", he decided. "Later. Perhaps."
"Later? Not now?" The secretary spoke in surprise.
"Do not forget that I am still head of government!", the Dark Overlord reminded him. "Pleasures are pleasures, but one must put state matters first!"
"Ah... my apologies."
"Hm. Get the paper. Write."
The Dark Overlord clasped his arms behind his back and paced across the room, from corner to corner.
"First. Announce news of our stunning victory to the population of the country. Declare this day a national holiday. Got that?"
"Uh-huh." The secretary jotted furiously in his notebook.
"Second. Cancel the state of war. Reduce the Legions of Death by 90%. Now that the war is over, we have no need of such an army. Demobilise everyone."
"de...mo...be...lise...", the secretary repeated, feather scraping on paper, one corner of his tongue poking out from the effort.
"What else... Three. Declare an amnesty for the political prisoners. It is clear they have lost, so they are no longer dangerous. Four. Decrease the taxes, to reflect the reduced military spending. Switch the industry back to peaceful products. That was five. Are you keeping up?"
"I've got it all", the secretary nodded.
"Six. Return the land to the peasants and the power... actually, no, the power can stay with me for now. Who knows what they'll do with it? Have I forgotten anything?"
"What should we do with these, then?", the secretary asked, pointing at the tied-up heroes with his feather.
"What's wrong with them?", asked the Dark Overlord in surprise.
"Well, they're kind of political prisoners too, aren't they? And they've clearly lost and all that. Does the amnesty apply to them or not? Perhaps we can make an exception?"
The Dark Overlord pursed his lips.
"No", he decided. "Let's not ruin the holiday. If it's an amnesty, it's an amnesty."
"So what do we do with them?"
"Do what you like." The Dark Overlord shrugged.
"Really?" The secretary exclaimed happily and examined the Princess with great interest from her toes to her dishevelled hair.
"No, not really." The Dark Overlord said drily. "Untie them and let them go. They can buzz off to wherever they want."
He yawned and added indifferently:
"Naturally, after they've repaid the losses incurred by the treasury."
"I see", said the secretary disappointedly.
The heroes were untied, taken to the guardhouse, fed a mangy breakfast and told to wait for the exact total of the losses to be confirmed.
The heroes sat, chewing dry bread dejectedly. They were ashamed to look each other in the eyes. Not because they'd lost so stupidly to the forces of Evil.
They simply weren't certain how their own Lords of Light would have behaved in the victor's place.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

LOL Hilarious!!
This is a good one!

[toothycat]

Thank you, Anonymous! ;)