toothycat | (no subject)

Original here.

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom; a kingdom of Absolute Evil. Not even the sun ever shone over it. And no-one missed it, for the kingdom was inhabited only by the eldritch and undead. Atop a bleak black mountain (every single one) there was invariably a tall, black tower in which the blackest of black magicians dabbled in the darkest of the dark arts. They called forth rains of dead frogs and icy winds and earthquakes. And everyone liked it, because everyone in that country had the blackest of black hearts.

Vampires and werewolves went to wars with each other, to the great contentment of each; for there is nothing a vampire or a werewolf finds more fun than a good scrap. Evil witches cursed everything that moved ten times a day. And everything that moved was the worse, and thus the happier, for it. Knights of Death rode skeletal horses and called each other forth to unfair duels, to defend the dishonour of their terrible ladyfolk. The black skies were filled with dragons and harpies, making the surroundings ring with their unmelodic cries. Nothing would grow upon the earth save thorns and poison-ivy - the favourite plants of the populace. Suffocating smoke rose from the deepest crevasses, and crowds of dark orcs would gather to sniff. Fountains of marsh-rot and oil spewed from the ground, and fish skeletons swam therein... In short, a complete horror.

And then, once upon a time, a great hero came, a paladin of Justice and Light, and improved everything. Because good always wins...

Original here.

The knight rode up to the cave and sounded his horn. The Dragon poked his nose outside.
"What do you want?"
"I'm here to discuss the ransom for the virgin."
"Oh, is it all settled finally? What did the elders decide?"
"Here." The knight pulled a scroll out of his saddle-bag, unfurled it and began to read:
"Gold - three thousand coins; precious stones: ten rubies, twelve emeralds, seventy large stones of pearl..."
"In short, have they agreed to my terms or not?"
"Fully." The knight nodded and passed the scroll to the Dragon. The latter snatched it without looking and dragged a sack from the cave.
"Here. This is yours."
"And this is yours!" The knight pulled a heavy sack from his horse and plonked it down in front of the Dragon. The Dragon loosened the rope, peeked inside and grunted in satisfaction.
"Yes, all as agreed. A pleasure doing business with you."
"Likewise."
The knight and the Dragon bowed politely to each other; the knight pulled the sack up on the horse and rode away. The Dragon untied his sack and helped the girl climb out.
"Thank you", the girl whispered.
"No worries. Come this way, I will show you where you will live. And don't shake so much, there's nothing to be afraid of any more. I have no truck with the Inquisition."

Original here.

The prince pushed open the door and walked into the tavern.
"What can I do for you, sir?" A grinning plump man in an apron, sensing potential profit, instantly accosted him.
"Food", the prince spoke curtly. "Drink. Then sleep."
"Girls?..." The plump man asked hopefully.
"No."
"As you desire. So, food?... I can recommend the onion soup and the fried pork with peas."
"Fine."
"And what would you like to drink? Wine, ale..."
"Ale."
"One moment."
The plump man bustled towards the kitchen, and the prince went to the furthest corner and sat at a table, facing the door. Behind him, on a wooden stage, a girl in ineptly applied make-up sang discordantly, ignored by the meager group of patrons. The prince understood them.
"Your order." A pretty waitress placed a mug of ale in front of the prince. "The soup will be along shortly."
"Thank you", the prince muttered, and buried his face in the ale. The waitress walked away, swinging her hips; the prince trailed her with a sidelong gaze and quickly looked away.
A short time later, the onion soup also appeared. It was brought by the owner himself, who wiped the table with his apron and carefully placed the bowl in front of his guest.
"Bon appetit", he smiled ingratiatingly.
"Thank you."
"Do you mind if I sit here?"
"I don't."
The plump man sat down opposite the prince and watched him eat.
"I do beg your pardon if I am poking my nose in where it does not belong, but you, if I am not mistaken, are a well-to-do personage?"
"Uh-huh."
"Will you be staying with us for long?"
"No. Just for the night."
"I bring this up because while we, of course, have excellent rooms, perhaps for your discerning taste..."
"It does not matter. I'll be happy with anything."
"Very good, then." The plump man shone. "I will give you the best we have. Roomy, and the air fresh. And the bed is very large. If you should wish to invite back to your room..."
"I do not", the prince cut him off.
"As you desire." The innkeeper pursed his lips. "The meat will be along shortly; would you like some more ale in the meantime?"
"Yes."
The plump man gave a sign to one of the waitresses and a new mug appeared on the table.
"So tell me, good sir", the prince addressed the innkeeper. "You must come by a lot of information, in your position?"
"Naturally", the plump man smiled warmly.
"Then I have a question for you."
"I am all attention."
"Where in these parts is the nearest dragon's lair?"
The innkeeper's eyebrows climbed upwards.
"I am sorry, whose? A dragon's?"
"Yes."
"In all honesty, I do not know." The plump man scratched his neck. "The last dragon was poisoned by my great grandfather, some hundred years ago, just before he founded this very tavern. Since then... no, I don't know. What do you need a dragon for?"
"The witch told me that he has stolen my beloved", the prince replied darkly.
"Ah, so?" The plump man questioned politely.
"Yes. When she disappeared, I turned to the witch, and she told me that my betrothed was alive. 'Go directly east', she said, 'until you reach a big city with white walls. There, by this city, in the dragon's lair, you will find your love..."
"Is that what she said?" The innkeeper giggled quietly. "What a woman, what a sense of humor! The dragon's lair, really!"
"I see nothing funny", the prince spoke drily.
"But of course, sir. My apologies. It's just that if you should suddenly wish..."
"Your order", the voice came from behind the prince's ear, and a plate full of meat and peas crashed down on the table in front of the prince. The greasy gravy splashed on the prince's knees; he leapt up, but the waitress had already disappeared, heels clattering somewhere in the distance.
"Oh, my apologies, sir, my apologies!" The plump innkeeper wheedled as he ineptly wiped the prince's trousers with a handkerchief. "How unfortunate. I assure you, no-one here intended..."
"Who was that girl?"
"Which one? Oh, her... don't worry, she will be punished appropriately."
"I'm asking you, who is she?"
"Oh, she just turned up one day... Do you like her? I can offer you a discount..."
"That's not what I'm asking you!", the prince hissed. "Who is she?"
"She says she's a princess", the innkeeper shrugged. "They all say that; they could invent something novel at least. It's always the same story, though; I'm fed up of hearing it already. Ran away, allegedly, from a tyrant of a father who wanted to marry her off against her will to some... some... I am sorry, sir, I don't suppose you could let go of my collar? It is hard to breathe..."
The prince unclenched his fist, sat down and drained the rest of his ale in a single swig.
"Another?", the innkeeper offered helpfully.
"Wine", the prince said as he started on his meat. "The strongest you have. A jug."
"One jug of wine..."
"Bring it to my room."
"As you desire."
The prince pushed away the empty plate, stood up and wiped his lips.
"So what did you say your establishment was called?"
"'The Dragon's Lair'", the innkeeper smiled ingratiatingly. "It was named by my great grandfather, who..."
"I am not interested in the details", the prince interrupted. "I am tired. Show me this wonderful room of yours with the giant bed."
"Your highness wishes...?"
"To sleep", the prince cut him off drily.